Punishments and parent-enforced consequences often result in a troubled child. Instead of teaching what’s right and emotional regulation, punishments often lead kids to become skilled at avoiding detection and doing the right thing only when someone is watching to avoid consequences. This approach encourages self-centred thinking, such as, ‘I won’t hit my sister because I don’t want to get punished,‘ rather than empathetic understanding, like, ‘I won’t hit my sister because it will hurt her.’
Punishments and enforced consequences also model to children that it’s acceptable to use force against someone smaller to get what you want. This damages the parent-child relationship, pushing the child away from the parent’s influence. Trust is eroded, because the child is thinking if my parent has my best interest at heart, why would they hurt me? They feel alone and often will be less likely to go to their parent/s when they have a problem. A battle of wills often ensues, leaving everyone feeling defeated. As the kids grow older, the parent-child relationship becomes the primary means of influence, making this breakdown particularly heartbreaking.
In contrast, peaceful parenting enables parents to teach valuable lessons while maintaining a strong connection with their kids. It helps kids make good choices even when nobody is watching, and they feel safe talking to their parents because their relationship is built on trust. Peaceful parents lead their homes with respect and kindness, giving their kids the benefit of the doubt, especially during challenging times.
Peaceful parenting involves setting limits and boundaries with empathy. While kids may not always get what they want, their feelings are always acknowledged and validated, even when the answer is ‘no!’ For instance, if a kiddo wants chocolate before dinner, a peaceful parent might say no to stick to a set boundary, and then go on to acknowledge how the kid feels about not getting the chocolate, AND to allow the kid to have their feelings as the parent sticks to their solid “no”. It might sound something like “I know you want chocolate now, but we need to wait until after dinner. How about munching on a carrot while you wait?”
On a good day, your child might be ok with that, but if you get an angry response like “No! You are so mean. I want my chocolate now!” please remember that they’re not being a brat, they are just immature little humans who do not yet have the skills to express emotions in an appropriate way when they are upset. At this point in peaceful parenting, the focus is on helping and guiding, not isolating, and punishing. We do not want to shut them down or send them away because this is the only way they have or know of to show us how they feel. If we say, “Don’t you speak to me like that!” or “Go to your room until you can show me respect”, they will push their feelings of anger inward, they will feel like a bad person for feeling angry, they will feel misunderstood and resentful.
We often believe that by sending kids away when they’re upset, we’re teaching them a lesson. We assume they’ll go off, process their feelings, and return more polite and better at handling emotions. This approach is like expecting them to learn a new language on their own without any teaching materials or guidance – it’s just not possible. They might return and act polite to get back into your good graces, but it doesn’t mean they’ve truly understood or learned how to manage their feelings. Instead, they’ve suppressed those emotions, and will resurface later, causing emotional outbursts and misbehaviour in the future.
Kids learn how to handle their emotions and express them appropriately by observing our behaviour and feeling accepted for all their emotions. Since feelings influence behaviour, helping children manage their emotions better leads to better behaviour. In the example above, we can start by calming ourselves, taking deep breaths, and reminding ourselves that our child is acting like a child, which is normal!
Instead of taking what our child says personally, we can stay in charge and say something like, “You really, really want the chocolate, and you’re upset with me for saying no. I get it; it seems like I’m being mean. But I wouldn’t feel like a good mom/dad if I let you fill up on chocolate before dinner. It’s okay for you to be angry with me.”
When kids feel seen, heard, and understood, they are more likely to accept our limits and collaborate with us to find an alternative snack or activity while they wait. This helps them develop resilience and self-discipline. Kids learn that even though their feelings may be intense and scary at times, they’re not harmful, and they can manage them with the support of their parents, who will always understand and guide them.
P.S. Balancing firmness and kindness takes practice! When parents transition to peaceful parenting, they find that resisting the urge to be permissive can be challenging. Many of us grew up with a different parenting approach, making it difficult to be both compassionate and firm, seeing things from our child’s perspective while setting clear limits. Be patient – it will be worth it!
