Let’s face it: expecting never to yell as a parent is just not realistic right? As humans, we carry generations of patterns into adulthood, and there are times when yelling may simply seem unavoidable. As you may be aware, research suggests that although yelling doesn’t leave physical marks, because of the emotional scars, yelling at our kids can be as harmful as spanking or hitting and can lead to mental health and physical issues later in a child’s life.
Did you know that when we as parents feel the urge to yell, that we are on the verge of an emotional meltdown?! Like kids, we yell as a strategy to advocate for our unmet needs, and it is an instinctual response to release the stress that is bubbling up in our nervous system. Peaceful parenting, as you’ve probably figured, is all about tapping into self-regulation to keep the parent-child connection flowing smoothly. So, if you’re up for some yelling prevention and replacement magic, check out these tips for your daily parenting adventure:
Support your internal stress levels. Discover your calming sensory tools and find ways to soothe your brain and body to avoid that instinctual stress response that you will regret later.
Identify your triggers and find solutions to alleviate pressure points in your parenting. Some of these may include lack of sleep, dinner time routine, morning routine, issues with co-parenting, lack of nutrition, disconnection from friends, work pressures etc.
Breathe! When you feel the volcano of frustration or anger erupting, take a pause, and breathe before responding! Make your exhale longer than your inhale to calm yourself in the heat of the moment. Remember, deep breaths can be your superhero cape in the world of parenting. Inhale the good vibes, exhale the bad ones.
Sound it out. Turn the impulse to yell into an “Ahhhhh” sound. This way, you release frustration physically without using those angry words!
Name it, don’t yell it. Ever heard of “name it to tame it“? Instead of unleashing a storm of words, express what’s bugging you. “I’m feeling frustrated right now, my body is shaking… and I just need a minute to calm down“. This is way better than ranting or shaming, blaming, or criticizing, our kids right? It sets a positive example for your kiddo and helps them understand that emotions can be big, but they don’t have to be scary… and we can get through them.
Use “I” Statements. “I” statements are another great first step to yelling less. Instead of, “You are making me feel angry.” say “I am starting to feel angry, so I am going to go into the other room for a minute to calm down.” Using “I” statements is one thing that helps you reframe how you see your child’s behaviour and avoids the blame-shame game. Our kids are not responsible for our emotions, and when we blame our feelings on their behaviour, they internalize that criticism.
Sing. Instead of shouting commands, or yelling when your kiddo isn’t responding, try singing. It adds a fun twist to everyday tasks, it invites cooperation and it and makes you look like the rockstar parent you are. “Brush your teeth please” just sounds a whole better when it’s a melody!
Show. When your kiddo is not listening to your instructions, it is time to get involved before the yelling kicks in. Kids learn by observing – sometimes that means they need to do something with you several times before they master it, and even then they might still need your support, motivation, and encouragement. So, instead of yelling instructions, use fewer words, show what needs to be done and voila – cooperation and success!
Break the yelling chain. If you grew up in a household of yelling, it’s time to break the cycle. Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be a vocal powerhouse. Be aware of when you tend to yell at your kids. Understand your triggers. Some behaviours will make you feel more reactive than others. Identifying the actions that trigger you can help you be more responsive and aware. Change the pattern by trying one or more of the tips above!
Make it a family goal to stop yelling. Chances are the kids raise their voices too. Getting everyone on board to communicate in a calmer, more respectful way can be encouraging and more motivating too.
We embrace our imperfections, we forgive, we repair, and we move forward!
