When kids sulk, it can often be very triggering for us parents. The number one concern for parents here is the fear that they might be raising a “brat” or a spoiled child. There’s a common belief that kids should toughen up and move on when things don’t go their way. Parents are often told to ignore the sulking, assuming that if attention is withheld, the behaviour will stop. When kids are left alone with these feelings, we are not teaching them healthy ways to express or manage them!
If we ignore our child or make our child go away from us when they’re upset or behaving in a way we don’t like, it sends a message that says that certain parts of them are unacceptable to us. This makes them hide their feelings instead of understanding and processing them. Keeping emotions inside doesn’t make them disappear; they stay hidden and may come out later as misbehaviour or aggression, possibly towards other kids or even pets. It can also lead to feeling anxious or sad. So, what can we do when our child is sulking?
Here are some ways to help our kids learn about their emotions, develop emotional intelligence, and make sulking less likely…
#1 Let them feel seen, heard, and understood! Sulking often happens when a child doesn’t feel heard. When kids feel seen, heard, and understood, they’re less likely to sulk. If we acknowledge and understand their wants and explain to them why we can’t say ‘yes,’ it helps them feel seen and understood. For instance, in a shop:
Child (holding a toy car): Can I have this?
Parent: Oh, that looks cool! We’re not getting any new toys today, but I can see why you want it.
Child: I really want it! Can I have it, please? Please?
Parent: No darling. I know you really wish I’d say yes. It’s not on our shopping list for today, but we can add it to your birthday wish list if you like.
If we shame our kids for wanting something, like saying, “I already said no; you’re just being greedy. You have so many toy cars at home,” it’s more likely our kids will sulk and feel awful about themselves.
#2 – Acknowledge and normalize their feelings. If your child gets upset or starts sulking, acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “”You really like that toy, and you’re so upset that I said no. I get it; I feel sad when I can’t get what I want too.” Usually, adding it to their wish list works well, but if not, stick to your decision while understanding their burning desire for that new toy car! “I won’t change my mind. I can really see how much you wish I would. I’m sorry this is disappointing for you.”
If they start crying, embrace their tears. They’re not trying to trick you; they’re merely expressing the frustration of accepting your ‘no.’ You can say, “It’s okay to be upset, do you want a hug?” Let them cry for as long as they need to; it won’t last forever. After the tears, they’ll likely feel much better and less bothered about the toy car —sometimes, a good cry in your arms is all they need.
For many parents, their go-to is to distract but distraction doesn’t teach kids how to understand and manage their feelings. When we show them that we can handle all their feelings, they begin to learn how to understand and manage their feelings and this is how they develop emotional intelligence.
#3 – It’s not about you – so don’t take it personally. Your child’s behaviour is not a reflection of you as a parent but rather a reflection of their emotions and developmental stage! Please do not take their words personally! When we can do this, it allows us to remain in our role as leader and does not interfere with the expression of their feelings. Children’s brains are still developing, so when upset, they might not express it respectfully. Instead of saying, “I’m sad and angry you won’t let me get a new toy,” they might say, “I hate you; you’re the worst!” If we react with anger and make it about ourselves, we miss an opportunity to guide them through their feelings. By not taking it personally and saying, “You must be really angry to say that to me,” it helps them feel understood and calm down faster. Later, when things are calm, you can talk about expressing feelings differently when they’re upset.
#4 – Take care of yourself. Lastly although probably most importantly, take care of you! If you’re run down, burnt out and putting everyone else’s needs before your own, it is impossible to show up as the emotionally generous parent you want to be. Try to check in with yourself regularly throughout your day to see how you are feeling and what you need and try to find a way to give that to yourself. Notice what thoughts are running through your head and practice talking to yourself kindly – like you would to a beautiful friend!! If you lose it with your child (we all do sometimes because we are all human!), instead of beating yourself up, give yourself compassion and get curious about how you can get yourself more support to better show up for your kid next time.
